Wednesday, September 24, 2003

PIRATE OF THE YEAR: If you think about it, piracy is really a natural fit for al-Qaeda and the Taliban terrorists. They already possess several of the traits we usually associate with pirates. Pirates and terrorists tend to be men with facial hair who hang out almost exclusively with other men (a trait they also share with The Village People, but I won't get into that). Pirates are often short a working eye or two. Well, it just so happens that the Taliban's leader Mullah Omar only has one eye. Sheikh Abdel-Rahman, the Egyptian who supposedly masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center attacks, is blind! British-based cleric and al-Qaeda supporter Abu Hamza is not only optically odd-numbered, but when his right hand was blown off while clearing mines in Afghanistan, he replaced it the ultimate in pirate-chic, a metal hook! And, rumor has it that Osama bin Laden played Maj. Gen. Stanley in his boarding school's production of Gilbert & Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance. But that's just a rumor.

This year's Pirate of the Year award goes to "Mullah"1 Mohammed Omar. If you happen to see him, please let me know.

1 Pirate Omar is not really a Mullah. His religious studies were interrupted by the Soviet invasion in 1979. He lived simply as a village clergyman until, he claims, he had a dream in which the Prophet Muhammad revealed that he, Omar, should lead the country out of lawlessness and immorality.


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